Open Thoughts

Opinion brings war, suffering brings compassion

A Hefty Affliction

Kalidas’ world started and ended in the center of New York. The livelier metropolitan area of the Lower East Side was the core of his being till he met her. Musiq seemed like just another girl at Neighborhood High school. But this thin Puerto Rican with beautiful hips, lips, and style had no shame in stealing his life away. Soon after they started dating, his heart was shattered like thick glass. She played too many games- cheating, leaving. His heart was too tender to condone immaturity. But, no mistake defines Kalidas like the one that made him lose the trust of the one he loved. On the peak of his high school career at Neighborhood, he started doing something his momma advised him to do- wait to date.

“K, don’t go foolin’ around with non’a these street girls, you hear? They only after one thang. Now my baby is handsome and got smarts. You be above them. Don’t make me say ‘I told you so’ son,” his mom warned.

“Yeah ma. I know. Thanks for always havin’ my back. I got you,” Kalidas brushed her off. His mom was always protective, never wanted him out of her sight. But she had a reason. Kalidas got everything he wanted. With almond-shaped hazel eyes, toned abs and biceps, flowing café curly hair, he was developed as can be. Regardless of his mom’s warnings and apprehension, he turned to find Musiq’s blue eyes chasing him down the halls, knocking him out the ring, and blowing the wind out of his diaphragm. Looking back on it, his thoughts stuck, “why did I ever…?” His vivid memory attacked his mental health as he sat in his room about a year after that day, thinking about what could have been, had he not gave into those two ocean-like eyes, with waves that drowned out his lungs.

Rage, banging headaches, even anxiety attacks is what that latina led him to. A mixture of a rosy pink and morbid grey lied beneath his eyes, exhausted from sickness, sick from exhaustion. His body trembled to the thought of another lie; he’d think his life was a game of “BS”, a card game to be tampered with, an arena of cheating. Musiq was the carpet under his feet, but she ripped herself away and he pulsed with rug burn. His heart, crashing with an echoing THUD, ripping itself to shreds, made him become accustomed to keeping his head up. Eyes looking up, he found his “confidant”. Every single night, like a mom singing her baby a lullaby, Avery was the remedy to his screeching, rotting heart. Inevitably, yet so unexpectedly, she took the steering wheel and spiraled his life in the opposite direction. Avery’s easygoing attitude, understanding, kindness, and inner beauty slowly started to reconnect all the broken arteries, keeping the blood pumping from his love organ. She was, after all, Musiq’s reverse. She wrote him poetry many nights, each expressing how delicately she’d treat him, like a white rose in a garden of sunflowers.

I know no one’s perfect but damn you come close

From your mind, to your style, I bet every chick want a dose

A dose of what you got will send my body in total shock

My thoughts run crazy and my heart kind’a wanna stop-

But when I catch myself, I regain composure

You’re rare not like Mr. Clean with hair but like a four-leaf clover

And damn boo let me add how you’re a true soldier

Going through what you been through ain’t no walk in the park

But it’s sick how you can shine and light everything that’s dark.

You got the looks and the attitude to crush a kid’s game

Make her wanna keep you, if you hear what I’m sayin’

“Hey Av, how you doin’?” would be the highlight of my day,

And if you don’t mind, I’d like to keep it that way.

Cause there’s somethin’ about your swag that got me going mad

And damn Usher’s song is tight cause Av, “You got it bad”

I definitely do, but that’s just fine.

I don’t mind, I’m here for you anytime boo.

Twists. Kalidas warding off the tyrant caused rumors, stating that Musiq caught “feelies” and tenderly-coated kisses in Staircase B. Somehow those were the messages that got back to his newfound savior, Avery, at her school, LaGuardia. While he was in a battle of territory, Avery held up the rumors and tried to distract herself from the irrevocable pain she knew she’d feel if the rumors were true.

“Do you love her??” Musiq cried. But even though Kalidas responded with a terrifying yes, Avery sat in her room, crying over every possibility. Hurt, but refusing to show weakness, she sent Kalidas an email:

I know this is unexpected, but I just can’t do this. I love you and I always will, but you expect me to stand here and take all these blows, hearing about you fooling around with your ex. Someone trustworthy told me they saw you in Tompkins Square with Musiq, kissing her! And that isn’t supposed to hurt me? You’re already doing me dirty and it’s only the beginning. I won’t bite bullets for you anymore, I’m covered in your gun powder and it’s burned me to the bone. Goodbye Kalidas.

The closer Kalidas got to the end of reading, the more the waterworks built up. Snapping his phone up to call Avery, he broke into a run. Without reason, his feet moved swiftly across the pavement, as he heard a cherubic voice answer. Immediately, “I DON’T KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT, BUT I WOULD NEVER FUCKING DO THAT TO YOU. I LOVE YOU A, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.” His projectile tears caught him unexpectedly, and apparently, was contagious. Avery began to choke up. Even though she had no trust in him, she had faith for the future, and ended the conversation. “Maybe we can be together in the future Kalidas. I’ll talk to you later.” Click.

Spite took over his spine as his body shook in retaliation. The unusual energy surged over him like a giant heat wave. He wanted to ruin the life of the one who ruined his relationship. So the very next day, he went to school and met with Musiq.

“Baby, have you thought about us?” Musiq asked, giving off easy signals as she slid her long tanned leg up Kalidas’ thigh.

“Yes, and I decided I want you…” Kalidas couldn’t even choke out her name. He knew he only meant that to one girl. He told her to meet him after school so they could make up for lost time, managing to keep a straight face. Musiq, of course, smiled with alacrity as she knew what that signified. Going on through his day, Kalidas did not think twice about the decision he started to make. It seemed as though time flew by. Before he knew it, he was taking the F train side by side with Musiq to her house on The Avenue. The supposedly short ride might as well have gone to Coney Island, hours were seemingly passing by. Musiq held onto him tight, playing with his fingers and giggling in his ear, however, Kalidas forcibly smiled through his aching regret. Kalidas anticipated the end of his scheme. He was going to do what the streets called “beat it and leave it”. This will definitely make her leave me alone, right?, he thought to himself, hoping to destroy her heart the way she had snatched his. All his thinking, he barely noticed she was taking her keys out to open the door to her apartment. 2F; it looked like a door hinged with extra locks, a dungeon with bars he’d never escape from. Begrudgingly, he entered. Musiq started to cry.

“Shh, don’t cry, you got me,” Kalidas snapped. He quietly led her to the room, laid her down and started stripping off particles of clothing. Her firm breasts embraced him as he took the last of her clothes off. When her panties hit the floor, he realized what he was doing, but it was too late to stop. He pushed forward, wasting no time with kisses or neck pleasures. He thrust himself into her wetness, knowing it would be no problem to fit. He let her body feel the false love, let her imagine him catching her every time she falls from grace. As he was committing his sexual sin, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander. Mmm the smell of Avery’s sweet Coach Perfume she wore daily was filling his nostrils. He became convincingly aroused, imagining another world- another girl, while Musiq thought she was it. Watching her slow movements in sync with his, and hearing her roars echoing off the walls, he knew this was it. He no longer had a connection to Musiq. When he was done proving himself, he got up, feeling a gross satisfactory in the pit of his stomach. He reapplied his clothes as quickly as he took hers off.

“Where you goin’? No te vayas bebe,” Musiq’s desperation spoke for itself.

“I gotta go, told my mom I’d be home. Hit you later,” and just like that, it was over. There was only one thing left to do, without question. Beg my woman to take me back…beg my woman to take me back… almost chanting within himself. He gave Avery his heart on purpose, and he crushed Musiq’s heart on purpose, but he couldn’t let it show. His conscience ate him alive. He knew if Avery ever found out, there’d be no chance, and betrayal would sweep over her so fast she’d reach a heart attack. She was the victim of his crime. By then, the disease called “love” was killing him inside.

Incarcerated Hearts

“Mari, I’m done with you. Lose my number, or there’s gonna be problems. I promise you,” Jaden said. He stormed out the house they bought together. What have I done? I don’t want to lose him, Mari thought. The knot in her throat took control and she could barely breathe. Choking up, she spit the hot saliva out into the kitchen sink. Mari looked around; the crispy white paint seemed to have rot into a stinky yellow glow. When the door opened and closed, it let in an unwelcomed breeze, the kitchen turned into a refrigerator. But somehow, Mari and Jaden were standing in the middle of a bloody battlefield, a desert, on opposite sides of the front door. Minutes tick-tocked across the atmosphere, and felt like hours, causing sharp daggers to stab at her stomach and rip everything apart. Stepping out into the snipping winds, Jaden stared back at the door. No, I can’t go back to her this time, he thought, and quickly strode toward the car. He paused, feeling a headache pounding through his skull. Go back Jaden, maybe she’ll learn this time. NO! Get in the car, she’ll never change her ways. Jaden climbed in the car and slammed the door, fuming. His phone rang.

“What?” Jaden answered.

“We need to talk it out, please. Come back so we can talk it out,” Mari pleaded, shivering.

“Nah, I’m not yours anymore. You can’t control me. Feel free to move on,” Jaden replied.

“NO! I…please, just don’t leave,” Mari said. But it was too late. Jaden had already hung up. Holding back steamy tears, she felt a cold sweat break down her back. Five years ago, life was a paradise. But somewhere along the way, Jaden stopped caring. Mari knew he was tired of fighting, but still didn’t understand why he wouldn’t keep trying. No matter how much his words killed her, she stood by him. She was his rock.

Mari stood in the kitchen in disbelief. Jaden was gone. What’s gonna happen if I hold on? Is he gonna go out and find someone new? After all this time, and he’s able to walk away so easily, Mari thought. She shook her head like a baby’s rattle. Clouds hovered in the sky, while warm tears sped down her face. Her throat clogged up like a rusty pipe, and she felt an instant pull from inside her stomach. She ran to the bathroom and dropped hard on her knees. Mari watched the lumpy pale guts pour out of her, into the toilet. Her sickness was released; her intense throbbing departed her stomach. She cleaned herself up and made her way to the computer. She looked through old photos of them before they moved in together, and reread old conversations she had stored. Mari’s breathing became heavy as she typed in Jaden’s email address, pressed the “forward” button and hit “send”. The deed was done, and she sat in confusion, wondering what she’d get from it. A man’s voice stopped her heartbeat with a loud “you’ve got mail”. Mari looked up, “Santo Dios, Ayúdame por favor. Tu amor me hace bien. Te necesito ahorita. Ayúdame,” she whispered. Slowly moving the mouse, she finally clicked the returning message from Jaden. It read:

I hope you feel some type of way. I was all for you. But you were all for drama. I would have done ANYTHING FOR YOU IN A HEARTBEAT. But you were never as grateful, you claimed you loved me and did other shit. I was writing shit like this to you on a DAILY basis. And you were out doing me dirty. That's not cool. What are your intentions? Why are you sending me all this? I have all this documented already. I would have bowed down at your command. You lost me to your games. I can't go any longer with you. However, I won’t completely let you go. You’ve been my everything for too long. But you fucked shit up. So bye. Don’t send me anything again.

-J.S.

At the last word, Mari couldn’t help but sob. Not knowing what to do, she shut down her computer and threw herself on the floor. Rubbing herself along the carpet, her hair frizzed up, her sweat trickled to the rug, and her breaths became short. Within a second, Mari couldn’t breathe. Gasping for air, she started to shake out of control; she tried to call out to Jaden, but it didn’t work. Her fists clenched and her body tightened, she used her arms to drag her along to the bathroom door. It was as if a ghost was chasing her, and grabbed her by the neck. Darkness was closing in, Mari lost all her senses. Blackout.

At Morristown Medical Hospital, Jaden rushed through the maroon double doors.

“Where is she??” he asked.

“Are you Mr. Seclude?” the doctor asked.

“Yes yes! Jaden Seclude, the patient’s boyfriend. Tell me everything,” Jaden demanded.

“Well… Mr. Seclude…Mari had a stress-induced anxiety attack, followed by a heart attack. Sir, this young woman was pregnant with your baby,” the doctor replied, gulping.

“What?? A…a baby?! Is she okay now? How’s her heart? We had a fight, doctor and I know it hurt her. But oh my goodness! A baby! I know I’ve made a mistake,” Jaden chanted.

“Mr. Seclude, I’m so sorry. Mari… didn’t make it,” the doctor said. He patted Jaden on the shoulder, looking into his small watered eyes, and once again mouthed “I’m sorry”. Jaden took a deep breath and closed his eyes as the doctor walked away, giving him the space he needed. He stumbled over to the seat close by, feeling dizzy. Jaden shielded his face with his hands and began to whimper. Mari…I love you.

Tracing Stars

I am moving to the Yukon and there isn’t anything you can do about it,” I yelled to my older brother, Terable, through the wide bathroom door of the two-story house we’ve lived in since birth. Well, at least for as long as I can remember. Momma and daddy brought us over from Barcelona as babies. I walked out of the bathroom and glared at him in disbelief. Goodness, I remember that puzzled look, I thought, it’s the one daddy used to do when he wanted so hard to understand my ways. Buddha…he looks so much like poppa. Ugh, I rolled my eyes, I’m just so sick of looking at him. Leaning against the red-plastered wall, I almost felt like lying on the sundried grey carpet, where so many memories had been made.

“All I’ve done for you after mom and dad passed away and THIS is how you repay me? By moving to become some bullshit teacher and marry some dude I’ve never met?” Terable ranted.

I rolled my eyes; the internal heat had leveled to my head, making my hulk-like veins pop from my neck up. I flurried my dark chocolate hair in my hands, why must he be so difficult? It’s always on and off like this. Why can’t he just give me space to be myself?

“I’m tired of this. I won’t argue. I’m just gonna pack my stuff and leave now,” I said.

“Where the hell are you gonna stay until you sort out your big rewarding trip?” Terable asked, with a half amused smile. I didn’t answer, but just turned my back to head towards the room. As I entered my clothing cluttered room, I stared up at the ceiling. I noticed, once again, the small indigo blue stars painted against the off white walls. When Terable was only fifteen, and I was thirteen, we took on our wildest imaginations together.

“Ana, why don’t we put stars up there?” he asked, “So whenever we look up at night, we remember that angels are looking down, and we won’t get scared of the world outside.”

“Yeah! And we can show mom and dad when they get home,” I had said. A few moments later, our aunt had shaken the keys, indicating she was coming in. With tear-filled eyes, our aunt clenched her fists. Her knees withered and she looked as though the air was knocked out her lungs, she fell to the stained carpet.

“Kids, I need to talk to you,” she paused and gasped for air through her soaked translucent skin. She was holding back, but I couldn’t figure out why.

“Auntie, why are you crying? What’s wrong? Don’t be sad,” I said.

“Honey, things are going to be a little different around here,” she told me, looking frantically from my brother to me, back to my brother again.

“Just tell us,” my brother said without concern. I guess he didn’t think it could possibly be that serious.

“Come out to the living room. I’ll make some tea for us and then we’ll talk about it on the sofa,” she managed to say calmly. It still sounded like she was choking back on her words.

We moved out onto the couch in the living room. We had always enjoyed being in our house, it was as vast as an empty mansion. The living room was decorated with beautiful green and red colors. A tiny hint of silver tinsel lied around the furnace all year ‘round. We felt at home, snuggled in our palace just a few minutes into New Jersey. Nothing could take away our delight. Nothing except…

“Here you go kids,” Auntie said, as she handed us our cups of hot jasmine tea. She took a deep breath. I could see the daggers ripping through her eyes plunging forward at me, heading straight to my chest. She didn’t want to tell us. “I just came from the hospital,” she said quickly.

“With who?” Terable asked.

“Your…parents. Kids, they got in a terrible car accident on their way home from work today,” Auntie looked away.

My face squeezed up with tension as my heart skipped. No, I thought, no! Auntie locked eyes with me, as if telling me the outcome without words. Right then, I knew it. My eyes glazed over, and I felt a force in my chest that wouldn’t stop pulling. Take me instead, God.

And that was when it changed; my life spiraled in a different direction. The tender taste of sprinkled happiness ripped from under my feet. I had lost my parents, the only two people who ever supported my growing ambition to make something great out of people just like me.

I moved my eyes swiftly from the stars to the clock, 9:00 pm. My goodness is it that late already? I better call Engle now. When I reached for my iPhone, which usually sat on my bed, I didn’t see the bright blue phone case. Please don’t tell me he stooped that low, I thought.

“Terable!! Dude, just hand over my phone,” I said.

“You can’t leave this house without it, though,” he replied with a proud smirk.

“I paid for that phone; you have no control over it,” I let out a deep, heavy sigh. I walked closer to my big brother, slowly glaring him up and down. Eyes locked, I whispered, “Terable, you can’t keep that phone locked in your palm forever.”

“What makes you think I can’t?” he asked. “I’ve held onto it for years.”

“Eventually, you’re gonna have to put it down. People are gonna call, send messages in and out, and you’re gonna feel helpless when you can’t respond,” I told him. His eyes dropped to the floor, I saw the perspiration drip down his temples as he thought about what to do next.

Getting serious once again, Terable did not hand me the phone. Instead, he kicked forward, dashing into the room where he took apart the bags I had packed. He quickly got a hold of the clothes and flicked them in the air as though they were papers of work on the last day of school before the summer vacation. I, still standing in my position in the living room, started to turn around and head towards my room. As my footsteps led my path, I thought of when we were growing up, and how much I loved Christmas with my parents. The wood toasting into a fine mixture of tall red, orange, and yellow glow, illuminating the entire living room, and the sweet smell of pine cone swam through our nostrils as we cuddled on the carpet. Still walking towards the room, one foot in front of the other, I pictured how my brother and I used to lay on the carpet and draw in our Rudolph coloring books. We’d color Santa’s rosy cheeks, and put frosty glass snowflakes on the evergreen Christmas tree. When my last step directed me into the room where Terable was destroying my packed bags, reality hit me.

“Terable!! I’m not dealing with this anymore. Go ahead, tear up my shit. I’m leaving without it. Keep my phone, keep my clothes, that’s what you’ll have left to remember me by,” I yelled. My face was an apple, and my stomach flipped over thinking about what I had just said, basically promising to never see my brother again. Whatever, he deserves it, I thought. I rapidly snatched my leather jacket from off the chair and threw it on as I slammed the door behind me.

Behind the door, I stayed in place. My feet were glued to the ground, although I wanted to leave him, I wasn’t sure if storming out was the best way. Just go, he won’t change. He’s still gonna try to control you again if he sees you out here, I thought to myself. Ugh, I know. But, I don’t want him to be alone and worried about where I’m at. I don’t even have a phone. I sat in the staircase, wondering what I should do. I didn’t want to feed into his manipulation and end up staying. I have goals, and I intend to get married to Engle and move with him to a location where I could see them again, my parents. Christmas would be celebrated often, the winter breeze would take over and I’d feel my mom’s sweet touch swirling on my cheeks in the crispy wind. Okay, just go in and calmly explain to him why you need to move. Maybe this time, without an argument, he’ll understand, I thought. I got up and headed towards the burgundy red door. As I turned the key in the lock, I heard silence from inside. Why don’t I hear him banging on walls and throwing glass? I smiled to myself, thinking about Terable’s methods of coping with his anger. I always made fun of him when he caught his fits.

As I opened the door, I wondered why he didn’t greet me. “Maybe he needs some time to cool down by himself before talking to me,” I said under my breath. I walked into my room, what a mess, I better start cleaning up all these clothes. When I picked up a towel, the thumping from inside my chest increased. The air filled inside me until I could no longer intake anymore; blood, lots of it. The puddles around my feet come into view, my panther instinct jolted across the room to look for my brother. There, next to the opposite side of the bed, he lied. With his front side up, I saw the slit from one side of his neck going all the way across. I stared. I began to jerk and I felt as though my internal organs were hot potatoes, dying to jump out of my body. I bent over him and touched his soft hand, staring into his glazed, beady, almond-brown eyes. In a deadlock, I squeezed his limp hand. It’s time to look away, my mind dictated. But I just couldn’t. I stood by his side, and felt the warmth of his body still radiating from his skin. I fought the voice inside my head. As his eyes continued to glare in my direction, I felt him saying goodbye.

Rap to Me

You depict what I need every moment you and I are talking
I don't know about you but its so easy for me
I don't know what it is about you but its easier than breathing
Have a nightmare like freddy krugars in my dreams
Cold sweat deep gasp touch my heart your the first person I think of calling
My ex forever haunts me I want that relationship to rest in pieces
I have no more interest in reconstruction
I only want to focus on progression
Up until yesterday I was trying to fix what was broken
a years worth of trying and had no intentions of stopping
But then you and I start talking and we see eye to eye on many things
I love my ex like crazy
what's scary is I sense the love I can have for you can trump her entirely
a new door has opened
Another door is closing
I find it astounding
Your mind is now what I want to frolic in your lips are the ones I want to be kissing
you and I can become something wondrous
Going back to her would never happen
I'll leave no room for speculation
If your not ready I understand
But I want you to know whenever your ready
My hand will be right there waiting for our journey